Several situations in wishing you had a pretend boyfriend

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1. The awkward dinner with all your coupled-up friends

You know the one – you catch up with a group of friends and you’re the only one who doesn’t happen to bring a significant other.

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2. The wedding

Your best friend, sister or cousin is getting married and you’re rocking up solo, then having to deflect questions of “Anyone special in YOUR life?” or “So when will we see you walk down the aisle?!”

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3. Family gatherings

If you’re hitting up any family gathering where you’re seeing your rather traditional grandma, if you’re single she’ll either think you’re a lesbian or one of those career women who will never settle down

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4. When ordering copious amounts of takeaway

Sometimes you want to just sample a few different items on the menu, and so you should! However, this hasn’t stopped a friend of mine pretending to talk to her ‘boyfriend’ when the delivery guy came, just so he wouldn’t judge her for being home alone and ordering so much food.

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5. When creepy guys are hitting on you at the pub

Every single girl has at some stage lied about her single status to stop a drunk/creepy guy hitting on her. I guarantee it.

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6. When people ask you what you’re doing on the weekend and you have no plans

“Oh, I’m just hanging out with my boyfriend Ben! Ben…Jerry. Ha, yes, his name does sound like Ben & Jerry’s. Hilarious. He gets that all the time!”

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7. When running into old frenemies from high-school

It’s amazing how your single status changes when you run into people from high school. “Oh yes, I’m in a very committed relationship. He’s a neurosurgeon, actually. Very well off and ironically looks like Derek Shepherd.”

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8. When your taps won’t stop leaking (or any plumbing/electrical issue)

Unfortunately, life is not a movie. So when you’re a damsel in distress, your Ryan-Gosling-doppelganger plumbing God won’t conveniently rock up to help you out.

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9. When your car breaks down

How do you change a tyre again?

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10. Moving/carrying heavy stuff

Yes, heavy stuff can include attempting to carry groceries up three flights of stairs.

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11. When making small talk with randoms

I had a taxi driver once ask if I was going home to “my man”. If by “my man” you mean something that’s super-easy to turn on and off and keeps me warm at night (also known as my electric blanket) then yes, Mr Taxi Man, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

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12. When travelling alone

Travelling alone can be exhilarating, but a fake boyfriend may come in handy every now and then to save you from some potentially awkward situations. Besides, who needs to know there isn’t a Jared Leto-esque ‘boyfriend’ carrying your suitcase for you?

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13. When fighting a huge, terrifying spider in your home

The greatest need for a boyfriend is when you see an evil huntsman staring at your from your bedroom roof. Aaaand goodbye, sleep.

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14. When buying yourself a piece of jewellery that is normally seen as ‘romantic’

I bought myself an infinity ring once because I just really liked it. Obviously it’s a little awkward when people assume it’s from a significant other, but ily 4eva self. Whatever.

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15. When you get to a point where your friends are buying you items like these for your birthday

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16. When sitting by yourself at a pub, café or restaurant

Regardless of whether you’re dining alone, or waiting for a friend, co-worker or family member, chances are there will always be a waiter asking you if you’re waiting for your boyfriend.

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17. If you’re single, however, and sick of being judged for it, always remember:

There are things like body pillows, fake names (I alternate between Liam, Harry and Louis… they all go in the one direction) and The Sims, where you can control the romance yourself. It’s a win-win!

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Henry Sapiecha

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